HAPPY 1 MONTH BEN!

Happy 1 month to my baby!

Its hard to believe it has already been a month! and at the same time it seems like he has been a part of me forever! Im in love with being a mom! I love just cuddling and looking at him. I love our staring contests--his eyes are so deep--when he is wide awake its like he can see right through me! He is so silly and makes the silliest facial expressions like his dad. at night we often sit for hours and i just laugh--wishing someone else was there to see his cute faces:) I love showing him off and am so proud that he is mine.

There were many times I would walk with Anna in Springville when she was born and would totally pretend she was my baby. I loved when other stroller mom's would wave like i was a part of their elite club and she was so cute and fun to pretend with. Or when I first moved up here I took Luke and Dane to grocery store once and pretended when people complimented how cute/handsome they were or how old they were--i had gone to buy dane a treat but because i was pretending to be a mom didnt want other grocery store goers to think i didnt feed my kids healthy food too so i ended up buying juice and carrots and a whole ton of things i thought a "good mom" would buy haha. I could hardly wait for my turn and loved them like they were my own. Ive had a couple moments where i am just hit with the realization that I mad him and carried him for 9 mos and he is mine but especially that other day when I walked with Ben to the mailbox and someone ooed and awed and asked his age and name. On my way home I almost cried because I felt so grateful and lucky that he is MINE-forever-and i love him so much! Ive waited all my life to be his mommy.

I wish he could tell me all he remembers and knows about our home before he came to live with me. Sometimes when he is sleeping or zoning out I wonder what he is thinking or if his little spirit can still go back and forth?! He is just so perfect! He has smiled a few times for us already and we are convinced its intentional because we have seen the gassy smiles to compare it too! He just started being more alert this week and really tracking and following us in the room. He got his first cold which is way sad but he has been so sweet! He can't breathe well when sleeping on back so the last two nights its just been he and I cuddling on the couch all night--ive loved it! He sleeps so soundly and peacefully in our arms. It is such an honor and a little scary at the same time that he relies so completely on us. I feel so privileged that our Heavenly Father entrusted his care to me and let me be his mom!

There has been one night that I was a mess. He had slept so well the first week and a half and this night he was fussy and uncomfortable which was so unlike him. He couldn't get comfortable even cuddling with me but didn't cry just kinda whimpered all night. I felt like he had a fever and Lance was already at work (his graveyard shift is even harder now that we have a baby:(-i miss him at night) I didn't know how to help him or what to do or if he was ok--he just stared at me and all i could do was cry. (Granted that is not that weird for me normally let alone being that I was only 1.5 weeks post delivery and emotions and hormones were out of control) but i just cried and rocked him all night, kind of intimidated by the whole mommy thing--at least one night like that is a right of passage to motherhood I'm sure. I thought to myself if i am this upset now and its probably just gas imagine when he ever really hurts himself or is sad or mad--i will be a MESS :)

Another night he would be sound asleep in my arms, i would gingerly lay him in his crib and sneak out of the room and then right when i would crawl into my nice cozy (never slept in) side of the bed the lights on his monitor would light up and he would be asking nicely for me to come back. Oh wait--thats every night his 3rd and 4th week:) but the first night he started his crib boycott I was frustrated and went in there about the 7th time and picked him up under his arms and held his face by mine and said "Ben- its night time, mom's tired, you NEED to go to sleep" in my most stern i love you-you're so cute and perfect whisper and he looked right at me and made the silliest guilty face and i couldnt help but laugh!

He is such a mellow fellow. Such a content and easy going temperament already. He really honestly hardly ever cries and when he does its simply to communicate something and as soon as we attend to him he stops immediately--we are so lucky! and he has a low cry--its just sad when he cries not annoying:) even at night he just whimpers and grunts (asking nicely) for us to come get him for like 10 min before he actually really cries to get our attention (only timed it once-i promise im not a mean mom:) and when he is up at night its just simply because he is awake and wants to hang out--i take my hat off to moms of colicky babies--knock on wood for #2:)

He loves baths! and is especially calm when on his tummy. We do laps--breast stroke and back stroke--my mom and sister taught me that:) A sure sign he will love to swim and love Lake Merwin right? (despite the obvious temperature difference:)

well those are my thoughts for now--Im at work and "Harvey"-the autoclave at my dad's office- is done and ready for me to put tools away and go home and take care of my baby. I love being a mom. I have loved every day of our first month together--as unproductive as they may feel--there is nothing i would rather do than hang out with my 2 favorite guys! i still owe my wonderful husband, mom, dad, sisters, and other family a public tribute for all their love and support--I am so blessed!